Regarding that "great evil"...BOOZE

As a break from the general seriousness of the normal conversation here, I decided to spend a few moments talking about a topic that is near and dear to my heart:

Booze!

I snuck my first drink of beer by hanging around the adults while they were talking and snatching my Dad’s beer off the table when he wasn’t looking. I remember thinking “This stuff tastes terrible!” Boy how my taste has changed!

During my wild teen years I drank literally ANYTHING I could lay hands on. That once included something I found in my mothers pantry as I headed out for a camping trip. It was called “Cooking Sherry”. Whew! That stuff did indeed suck.

It was when I joined that famous and illustrious organization, the USMC (Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children) that I really came into my own as far as consumption of alcohol was concerned. My first gigantic hangover was the result of my first Friday night spent at the E-club. There was a country music band (which I hate) and there was unlimited draft beer (which I love). Before the evening was over, I was numbered among 20 or so other brand new jarheads who decided the way to really celebrate was to tear the place apart in an attempt to beat each other’s heads in.

Somewhere along the way during my tour with the Marines, I discovered the joys of rum. I particularly liked Bacardi light rum. One evening after a unit field meet, I sponsored a party at my apartment and I turned over the responsibility for pouring the drinks to a young Lance Corporal that I was training in the finer arts of alcoholism. Unbeknownst to me, Lcpl Barnes replaced the 80 proof rum I had thoughtfully provided with a bottle of that 151 stuff. I wondered why the drinks tasted a bit strong, but I proceeded to anesthetize myself right on as if it were the regular rum. That I later went out and wrecked my car is testament to the principal that one should pay close attention to who’s mixing the drinks, and what they put in ‘em!

Another time during my “rum years”, me and some of my brother Marines decided that instead of running for exercise during the lunch hour, we would run off to a bar and drink our lunch. Three of us consumed an entire liter of Bicardi in the 75 minutes we were allotted for lunch! When we returned to the building somewhat late, I decided that the quickest way to reach the third level sub-basement where we worked was to ride the mail-shute down. My compatriots declined, but I couldn’t back out so I went ahead and climbed in. It was fast alright! Especially when the shaft went vertical (in complete blackness) for about 30 feet. None the worse for wear, I came sliding out in the mailroom to the amazement of the civil service pukes working there. I got to the office where I was assigned and promptly crawled UNDER the desk for a little shut-eye.

I admonished Lcpl Barnes to keep a watch out for the Gunny and went fast asleep. Several hours later I opened my bleary eyes to the sight of Gunny standing over me glaring down with a look of exasperation on his face. His only words were “Don’t ever do that again.”

These events happened when I was stationed at Kansas City in the Bendix building. There were about 300 Marines and about 10,000 civilians employed there. Our rules were not their rules, and their rules were not ours. The civilians had great trouble understanding that.

One Friday morning when it was about 20 below outside, I brought a bottle of rum to work and shared it with my squad. We were located in this huge office that had maybe 300 workers in it. You could see from one end to the other because there wasn’t a cubicle anywhere. The Marines under my auspices had decided that we wanted some cover and concealment, so we formed a sort of enclosure by moving all the file cabinets around. That way we could escape the prying eyes of the puke civilians. It was here that we were enjoying the bottle of rum I had supplied. Although we were working while we drank, the rum still was beginning to have an effect of course. I got kind of hot in my wool trousers and long johns so I went to the head and took off the long johns. I came back to our little cabinet fort with LJ’s in hand. To make the guys laugh I pulled the long johns on over my head and stuck my tongue out of the crotch panel. Real sophisticated humor right? Well I was rewarded with the expected guffaws from the fellows, but in a moment it died away rather suddenly. I pulled the crotch panel wider so I could see and low and behold I was standing there looking at the unit Sergeant-Major, the LtCol. in charge of all the Marines stationed there, the brand new civilian GS-million or so who was in charge of all the civvies, and his personal secretary. Fortunately none of them was standing close enough to get a whiff of the alcohol that I’m sure we all reeked of. I mumbled something about trying to boost the morale of my troops, and was only subjected to an evil glare from the LtCol and the SgtMaj, and looks of total disbelief from the civilians. It scared me at the time, but I have looked back for years at the fond memory of that moment.

I also spent quite a few years drinking Miller Lite, and I thought that I had reached the pinnacle of beer delight. My fellow leathernecks and I consumed oceans of the stuff. I didn’t consider any other beer even palatable for many years. Then in 1980 I got orders to go down and defend the American Embassy in Kingston Jamaica from hoards of rampaging tourists. There was a serious problem when I discovered that there was NO American beer on the island. That has since changed, but back then the only beer to be found in Jamaica was Red Stripe, Heiniken, and Guinness Stout. Now the first two I was just less than passionate about, but Guinness was positively raunchy! That stuff would make a maggot wretch.

Well I persevered, given my lack of options, and made Red Stripe my new beer of “choice” since I had no other choice. After being in Jamaica for about a year I got a chance to fly to Gitmo on a supply flight that the Navy was kind enough to send our way. First stop: Navy Exchange. I bought a six pack of Miller Lite and went out behind the building to quench a year’s thirst for my old favorite. I couldn’t even get one bottle down. It tasted like pure piss! Compared to Red Stripe it was terrible. So was Bud. I have never gone back to Miller Lite, but I will drink Bud Light if Red Stripe isn’t available.

I couple of years ago I tried some of that Japanese beer, Sapporo. It is excellent, but prohibitively expensive. So I am satisfied to remain with Red Stripe as my overall favorite beer.

As far as liquor is concerned I eventually grew tired of rum and started drinking Crown Royal. My very best friend Bob Winston introduced me to the drink because it was his favorite poison and the only booze he ever stocked. His girlfriend at that time stitched him an entire quilt from the little purple bags that Crown comes packaged in. I’ve poured down quite a bit of Crown over the years, but on New Years Day 2002 I swore off casual consumption of Crown Royal and reserve it for special commemorative events. Bob died that day. He drank himself to death at the age of 43. Lord knows I miss him cause I loved him like a brother. He’s guarding the streets of gold up above.

I’ll close this little history of boozing with the recipe for my present drink of choice. I got started on Cosmopolitans when I tried ‘em at this high class steak joint where I took my son to celebrate his 21st birthday. The name of the drink might sound sort of girly, but I guarantee that if you follow this recipe, you’ll find out just how manly you really are.

Semper Fi Bobby…this next drink’s for you brother

GunRights4US’s Cosmo par excellence:

1 ½ part top shelf vodka – preferable Grey Goose or Skyy
1 part Gran Mariner – Cointreau is an acceptable substitute
1 part cranberry juice
1 dash of Rose’s sweet Lime juice

Chill the mixing glass, the shot glass and the cocktail glass thoroughly in the freezer. Put ice in the mixing glass and mix the ingredients over it. Stir and let stand for a moment before straining the drink into the cocktail glass sans ice. Add a slice of lime and enjoy.