Solving the Do-Gooder Crisis

by Claire Wolfe

They're everywhere. While other species have dwindled to the point of becoming tourist attractions or sinecures for Endangered Species bureaucrats, this worthless creature has proliferated like mammalian kudzu, infesting the highways, byways and my ways of America.

It is, of course, the Chronicus Do-gooderus. It infests the cities, towns and villages of the land, performing no useful function whatsoever, not even occupying a valuable place in the food chain, where it could serve as nourishment for some superior animal or insect species. It makes an utter nuisance of itself everywhere it goes, without even having the cosmetic virtue of being as cute as a racoon or as majestic as a rose-consuming doe.

The most pernicious problem lies precisely in its undistinguished appearance. Do-gooderus Noxious looks exactly like its benign cousin Normalus Minditsownbusinessus. The only difference lies in the behavior patterns of these two deceptively similar species.

While Normalus Minditsownbusinessus can be found at home, at work or at play, tending its own gardens, raising its own children, plinking with its very own firearms and surfing the Web sites of its very own choice, its cousin Do-gooderus is always seen:

* Frantically determining that everything is 1) immoral, 2) unsafe, 4) unenlightened, 5) not "beautified" enough, 6) insufficiently centrally planned 7) insufficiently taxed, 8) insufficiently protected, 9) insufficiently restricted 10) insufficiently regulated, 11) insufficiently managed, or 12) otherwise not precisely up to the Do-gooderus' specifications;

* Proclaiming that whatever's annoying it at the moment is the MOST serious crisis that has EVER afflicted the 1) children, 2) environment, 3) women, 4) obscure desert jumping fleas or 5) Generally Sensitive Human Beings;

* Proving that at least 300,000,000 Americans are 1) homeless, 1a) overbuilding, 2) killed each year by firearms, 3) starving, 3a) obese, 4) bulemic, 5) racist, 6) oppressed, 6a) oppressive, 7) anti-government, 8) addicted, 8a) apathetic, 9) abused, 9a) abusive, 10) practicing habits of which the Do-gooderus does not approve, or 11) not paying sufficient attention to the Do-gooderus' opinions, in which case a Presidential Order, er, Directive, er, Edict, whatever they're calling them this week, is necessary to MAKE THEM BEHAVE, DAMNIT!!!!!

Be sure to read the rest... It's hilarious - AND accurate!